Evil Spirits

After Amanda's comment I decided to do a quick check for evil spirits, vampire ghosts, and other cockamamie supernatural creatures floating around my secret lair. No wonder the Good Guys have been able to sneak in so easily, it's like Times Square on the astral plane around here. It looks like most of my dead henchmen have been hanging about, and not only that but all the native spirits have been attracted by the unusual concentration of ectoplasm... it's like leaving your trashcan uncovered: next thing you know you've got stray cats in the kitchen and coons in the attic.

And of course there's at least half a dozen superheroes out there who can talk to ghosts.

Firecrackers only clear them out temporarily. I'm developing ghost-sensitive exploding leeches to scare them away automatically, but I've been having a problem with the leeches' own ghosts setting off chain reactions in the breeding pools.

I didn't know Sprint could do this...

I really could have used this feature when I was escaping from the Good Guys flying fortress last year. Is it new?

No, come to think of it, I was on T-Mobile.

Creatures in my Head

Actually, it's the creatures in this guy's head that remind me of my lovely swamp hideout, particularly this one.

Legions of Terror

It's amazing how hard it is to recruit legions of terror when you live in a swamp. Especially when you're looking for sidekicks with real super powers instead of mere henchmen. I tried the henchmen schtick, equipped them with leech-enhanced weapons, and what happened? The Good Guys just take the leechbeam guns away and use them to bring me to what they call "justice"!

Is that fair?

Well, I guess it is in an ironic sort of way. But I'm going to do better, this time. Got one good candidate, interviewed well, and no goodie-two-shoes hero is gonna extract his spleen or wooba gland and use it on me, no sir.

Ow! My back.

Don't let anyone tell you that I haven't suffered in the name of science.

I'll get these leech enhanced spinal implants working one day, Doc Ock will be green with envy. In the meantime, I learned a valuable lesson in trusting quaint old cajun gentleman and their rustic swamp therapies.

Ow.

Luckily I keep my vertebrae numbered.

On Being a President

It amazes me how easily the presidency comes to the current pretender to the throne. It's not that he's grown into the job, but somehow he managed to shrink the job to fit his meagre abilities. I could never do that, people were always on my case about little things like my backyard wetlands diversification movement, or my leeches-for-tots program. What did I do wrong? Did I push the envelope in the wrong direction? Please help me, people, I'm desperate.